Losing Myself

Hello Readers,

I'm sorry for my short absence. Love has been taking a little break from my life.

I was so moved on from the person I was months ago and now I feel it again burning in me like a death sentence.  I am losing myself in all my desires.  I am losing myself in all my surroundings. I am losing control of everything that I worked so hard for.  When I took the time to step back and evaluate myself, I realized I was bitter, jealous, envious, depressed, and slightly insane.  It scared the shit out of me. I have always been happy for people who are happy.  I am not and I need to find out how to regain my self.

This past few weeks have been one of turmoil and distress. disappointment. low on self. low on drive. I feel like everything that I had I lost in less than a year. Where I was on top of my world, my world is now weighing down on me. I haven't been to church in over a month. Every time I want to go, I get scared that everyone is looking at me seeing all my sins and transgressions.  Feeling like I should know what God wants and I am constantly going against the grain.

I have been wanting sex. I have been wanting a lover. I have been wanting a new job. I have been wanting my own place. I have been wanting to get married. I have been wanting to move on. Nothing is going how I thought it would.

This guy has been playing with me so much that I have to wonder do I have enough self-respect for letting him do and say that things he has to me. Every time I try to fight I remind myself that I do not want to be alone even if it is a pathetic relationship.  I just want to be wanted, cared about, someone to care for. It takes so much energy to get out of bed in the morning. And every night I have dreams that are scary, insightful, deceptive.

But I have decided to fight for myself. I am going to take myself seriously.  If I want love, I have to start with God first, then work on myself. I really need to love myself and all the blessings that the Lord has put in my life. Instead of looking at what I do not have (because I want it so bad), I have to start looking at what I do have.

I have to get these deadly sins out of my life if there is nothing else.  You know I considered writing a suicide note for fun.  That's how close I was to insanity.  That's when I knew I needed to do something.  I am working on love and love is working on me.  No longer losing myself but finding myself.

When Love Fades

Now I am not usually a depressed person when it comes to love and there is always a fire burning inside me to love others and love God. 


These last few weeks, I've felt my fire dwindling and slowly burning low and almost out.  I have not felt close to God so I have not prayed. 


I have not felt close to my family so I haven't been around them lately.


I have not felt close to love so I have been making mistakes and longing for things and people I should not. 


The fact that I still think about him everyday amazes me and hurts me at the same time.  How I long for the day when I will be able to erase the desire to be in his arms or smell his cologne again. 


The fact is I haven't felt the same since he told me the news, I've felt lost and deserted.  When he put his hand around my neck, I felt my world crash. Although I know I can trust him, I do not.  I do not trust any guy or anyone. I did not used to be this way.  And when the tears streamed down my cheeks because I was so afraid, so shaken up, I couldn't help but feel alone. I never felt alone with him. 


To think my world has changed so dramatically, I might see love unfold in new places in new dimensions, in new realms.  But not in my life. 


I have decided to focus on the Lord and ignore my distractions.  Ignore the devil's taunts. As the sea parts and the path unfolds, I wish so much that life would be so sweet again. I feel like I will be on the other side victorious. To think that another year will go by and I might reach the happiness that I chased for so long, a whole year, a long year.  


When Love fades, it is a sad hope. 


When Love fades, it takes a toll on your mind, soul, spirit and heart. 


When Love fades, there is nothing left but bitterness and sadness. 


When Love fades...