Rambling

Hello fellow bloggers and readers,

It's only fair that I open up my feelings to ya once again.  It was a tough weekend with my family.  We had a lunch for my grandmother's birthday when everybody decided to have an intervention on me at the end.  It is so unfair that my family would attack me when all I am trying to do is find love.  Find a person that will inspire me to become a better person.  I realize that I am a young, educated woman with many accomplishments and achievements and far many more dreams and goals. The life that I set out to live was already greater than anything people could ever imagine.  Although I want a simple life, I want a happy one with clear beginnings, middles and ends.

My family said that I have to be careful about who I date and let into my life because I own property now and I have a secured many blessings that are to be protected. I believe that we are all trying to find our way.  I seem to always run into what they state, "is just not good enough." But who are they to judge? Who is anyone to judge a man's character by his state of belongings.  In reality, I do not know exactly what I am looking for, but I know that I want someone who is going to love me as I love God.  Someone who is going to protect me and the relationship that we build together.  I will not and do not want to be controlled, but I will submit to my husband as the Bible says a wife should submit to her husband.  I just do not understand why I have ran into so many souls that want to take and take and take but not give.

I do have to learn to receive, a hard lesson that I am learning slowly and with care.  I have found multiple reasons to be frustrated and disappointed with my love life.  But then I realize that maybe I should be focused on the one and only love that truly matters: God's love.  To be fair, I do not think I have given myself enough time to reflect and think about the future and what it may hold once I do find the time to really become the woman I want to be.  So, should I let this person go that has made promises of love and affection and everything that I have dreamed of.  I have got to clear my mind of this plague of confusion that has consumed my thoughts and dreams.  I must seek the Lord with all my might this week.  I will say that it has been nice, not to be alone for a few days at a time.  It has made me see what a possible married life would be and although frustrating, it is rewarding to work together with someone to keep up a home, a family.

I have sufficiently rambled for the night. I will be sure to fix all my thoughts in a later post. Have a wonderful night.

The Search for a Good Christian Man

Hello readers,

It seems as though the search for a good Christian man to love and share Christ's love with has been a continuous rescue mission over the years.  My dad said this is my biggest battle yet.  I have overcame a lot of obstacles in my life and persevered through many tests.  But this has been my ultimate pitfall and I realize that the more I ignore the lack of these qualities in a man, the more I become consumed with sadness.  I am realizing that I cannot settle and though I tried to fight for something more than myself, for a love that wasn't consumed with lust and desire, I sacrificed the one thing that was most dear to me.    In light of this newfound epiphany, I feel obligated to state that I am still searching and I will not give up on the path that the Lord has directed me on.

Live and love.

Baggage Claim

Hello readers and bloggers,

Its been awhile. September was a crazy month.  I am back to do a movie review and reflection.  It has been LONG overdue.

Anyways: this is about the new movie, Baggage Claim starring Paula Patton, Derek Luke, and some other stars.  I liked the movie, typical romantic Black comedy.  With a few stereotypical jokes and slander but what really moved me is the music and definition of love that they portrayed.  I could really relate to what she desired and what most people forget about.  And the most memorable line: "The magic is not in getting married, it's in staying married."

People get so obsessed over the ring, the wedding, the guests, the new home, the baby on the way but truly forget about the commitment that is involved and the love that is shared between two people to manifest God's love.

I am really going through a tough time with my boyfriend. I know this is where I can talk and let it all out.  This has been my friend since 2006. An ex-boyfriend, a new lover, a friend all these years.  I feel like this is a bad idea half the time that I am with him.  Things are fine and great one moment and then they crash and burn the next.  A year ago, in 2012, he was saying all the things I wanted to hear and I stepped back because I was trying to give another guy a chance.  But then this year, he was saying all the right things again and comforting me when he was around.  But this long distance relationship is so difficult.  I feel like the friendship is dwindling he is in the hospital so much and he is struggling to make ends meet with his new job and new lifestyle (the straight and narrow as he calls it).  We have a decent, regular conversation about once a week if that and thats hard for me.  Things are getting better but I feel like we are riding along until we get to this crux, which I do not see anywhere in sight. I have lowered so many of my standards with him and I do not know if its a good thing or if its even worth it at this point. I admired Montana from the movie because she knew what she wanted in the end and could realize when the man fell short and she moved on.  Why don't I allow myself to move on? Three of my friends think I am settling but they are all guys and its hard to tell anyone's feelings or actions anymore.  I am just tired of being hurt and played.  At least I know this guy will fight for us, will fight forever, I can't say that about too many other people in my past.  At least he is willing to do things for us to try to meet my expectations but is it too much??  He wants me to teach him how to love me, teach him how to make me happy and it is a little frustrating because after 7 years of knowing each other, I just want him to know.  That's not fair though, I know.

I got so many thoughts, so many issues and no where to run.  I feel so good that I am fully committed but am I committed to the right thing? If I have to ask, isn't that a problem?

Uh, to be continued...

When Sh** gets Real

Sorry for the language but there was no way to get that across without the severity of events that led to this post. I really had an eye opening weekend away from California in the town of my "boo". A weekend I was more miserable leaving it than I was entering it. I feel a tinge of repress as I look back on it now. The rudeness, the smoking, the cursing, the crying, the insomnia, the fear...all the things that could have went wrong did and I had to come to terms with myself and our relationship this week.

One of my friends said it sounded like I was settling and that really pained my heart because it made me think of all the past relationships. I was trying to compromise on things I know I morbidly hated to be with this person but why? Am I trying to satisfy some deep craved hunger for comfort and affection? Or could I inexplicably be in love again falling hard blind to the path of destruction I might take again? Only to realize I might be played again.

I will say this much I will never forget the pain I felt as he talked worst than he would a beggar on the street, it shocked me that he could and did show no mercy when I tried to leave the overcrowded house from which I felt barricaded in one room. A part of me felt like I deserved it and another part of me was pissed that he could fix his mouth to curse me out let alone call me names that were so opposite from baby and sweetie.

I felt under appreciated and as much as I tried to hide it I knew I was not doing a good job of masking my disappointment. I'm evaluating whether this is the love I've been yearning for:   1 Corinthians 13:4-8. The good news is I am back to my self and I am not feeling so down but I am sleepy right now. Until next time readers...

Love Over Time

Hello Bloggers and Readers,

I sat down and read every entry on the blog this past weekend and I really couldn't help but mention this new topic: love over time.

I believed and knew with all my heart that I loved this ex of mines and with every post, I was miserably loving someone who could not and would not love me back the way I wanted him to.  Then the "second best" just happened to be around while I was falling hard on my a**.  I was upset because my ex made it work with his ex-girlfriend whom he started talking to immediately after our talk and I could not get that same reciprocity from "second best" and that was the part that ultimately irking me.   It was gnawing at me like a lion ravishing a deer.  I remember how miserable I was trying to figure out how to hold on and let go at the same time.  I would secretly look at social medias and update myself on how he was doing then be upset with myself for doing so and causing an uproar in emotions yet again.

I had to really evaluate myself and how far I had come, why is it that I am able to share the love inside of me with another person, when I was professing my love deeply and irrevocably just two years ago to my ex?  How is it that we can say that we love one person and then years, months, days later say we love another just as deeply or even more so? It's questions like these that make me doubt myself sometimes.  Questions like these that make me wonder what kind of emotions will arise in the burning depths of my soul if I ever saw my ex again.

Love over time, but is it ironic that I would be with one of my exes now?  It is paradoxical indeed. Makes me wonder about the love that exists here on Earth. I try so much to embrace the love that God has shared with us. But I realize that I always fall short and I have been 'in love' too many times. Who's to say that I ever really "fell in or out of love" with anyone.  I guess this is the point when you realize you that like God's love, it is unconditional yet versatile to meet the needs of everyone, pleases everyone, can be molded to fit each person.

Although I may not know what to do with this love for my ex, I know what to do with the love I have now.  My sliver of happiness and hope has found root in the soil of my pain.  I am so happy that 7 years later, we can have something to fight for together in each other.  Each one of us holding on to a love that is bigger than the two of us.  I am thankful that I have learned as a Christian how to put God first and everything that follows comes second to him.  The minute I put a relationship with man before my relationship with God, I have already failed Him, us and myself.  I cannot allow myself to enter those depths of destruction again.

Getting sleepy and definitely have to wake up early tomorrow. Good night and good love.

Stay blessed readers.

Holding On vs. Letting Go

Hello Readers,

Long time, I know things have been hectic. My life as a school teacher has consumed me during the end of the year.  Prepping for the inevitable: summer school. lol.

But enough about that, today's topic: Holding On vs. Letting Go

As a reader of the Bible, sometimes it can be confusing about what to do at certain times, some Scriptures counter other Scriptures.  Sometimes you are told to hold on and other times to let go so you can receive a bigger and better blessing!

I was evaluating my experiences, wrapped up in my thoughts heavily.  I was thinking about the guy that I was holding on to for dear life.  I was trying to keep him by any means necessary and I was desperate so desperate to risk my health.  I thought about the toxicity of the situation and how I was holding on to him and he was holding on to her, so eventually I let go since I was at the bottom of the rope risking everyone falling.

Then I thought about the guy I am seeing now (who is an old ex) and how he held on to me all these years and never let go.  He kept me in his life and kept a small part of hope alive in his heart and two months ago when we were brought together, its like everything fell into place.  We were hopeful, faithful souls.  And still are.

So when are we supposed to hold on and when are we supposed to let go?  If we do let go, how do we cope with moving on?

With the help of God, with the belief that whatever decision you make, you listened to God and understood your path.  Although I have definitely made mistakes with both of these guys each one has taught me a very valuable lesson and if I didn't let go of one, I would not be so happy with the other.  I gave room to let someone in my heart after a lifelong stream of mistakes.  I learned how to forgive others and myself through this process.  Even "second best" seems like a fad. His place has utterly changed to "bottom of the list".  I couldn't believe that I actually thought I deserved that scrub.

When it feels like holding on is a poison and its draining the very living soul out of your body, you might want to consider letting go.  But when holding on feels like a piece of chocolate you saved for a rainy day, growing with passion, faith and love; then there might be something worthwhile there.  Each situation is different and requires wisdom that only the utmost High can provide.  Remember you deserve the best, and don't ever settle.

Is it Happening?

I am sorry for my absence, I have been one very busy woman, pursuing my dreams, keeping my life in order and I finally have time to breath and very well I might add. I just bought a house and a new love to my repertoire. Let me just say I LOVE being a homeowner right now its only been a month and I can say I love the freedom, the sense of being responsible. I am so happy that I finished my first year of grad school and I can only imagine the mischief I got myself into for next year. I am praying I make it through next year unscathed smh.
But back to the focus of this blog, is it happening? Am I finally opening up my heart and giving my love to a worthy suitor? I have decided to go once again to a road already traveled but with new landscaping and a new vision. I am so happy right now and he really makes me happy. He melts my soul and I feel a stronger bond to God and to him because of the security and protection I feel. It is a long distance thing and there are some discrepancies but I think it is finally happening...I said I loved him once or twice without even realizing what I was saying. I think I do love him, but we will see about the in love 1 Corinthians 13:1-4 ;) winks.
I have had to embark on the journey of joining a ministry at church and I think that this will be a good one for me. I have joined the praise team. I will be dancing for the Lord. I no longer want to dance in the club. I am sick of that life and I want to use my talents in a spiritual way. I am so happy! I don't think you all understand how happy I am. Well this text blogging on the cell phone is making my fingers hurt. I will keep ya posted.

February oh February

This has been a month for the books.  I can honestly say, I would have been happier to forget about this past month, this year has been a rough one so far.  I had to break up with the guy I was seeing (see last post), then I tried to patch things up with my friend of years to see if we could give "us" one last try but of course I got my feelings hurt AGAIN. You would think I'd learn by now.  Anyways, I had a good Valentines Day with him regardless but then everything else was pretty f***ed up and downhill from there.  I really miss him and the eve of my birthday was the day I had to say goodbye to him and I could have not had a horrible birthday the next day, tired and teared up from the day before.  The one year it was actually sunny on my birthday and so was the weekend and I did not feel like doing anything or being around anyone.  I felt like only a handful of people actually remembered my birthday and that really put a lot into perspective for me.  I really understood who my friends are and which family members actually cared. I am truly in a phase right now which is curbing all desires to be happy or joyous.  I just don't know what to do.  I don't know what to say.  I can't believe I am at this place in my life.  I'm really not talking to anybody which is allowing me not to make dumb mistakes like before.  But I need to get a hold on my life.  I'm finally 25 years old by the way, the official cometh of age. lol. I do not even have the energy to finish this post.  Goodnight.

It's time

Hello

I did not make a last day of the year post. Or a first day of the year post. But I have been thinking these last five days; what should I put out there for my readers.

I had to step back. I had to reflect and one conversation this morning inspired me to write. Inspired me to open up. Inspired me to make change.

I am taking a stand. I have been going about LOVE the wrong way these past many months. I am not going to get what I want by continuing on this path.

I needed a wake-up call.  A jolt. A catastrophic epiphany.

So, this is the day I decided to change my life. January 5th, 2013.

No more living for others, living for me, myself and JESUS.

I know I have been here before but I figured it out, why I will never be as happy as I want to be. So, with that said, I am breaking up with all of them. Breaking my ties and focusing on doing what is right. Focusing on my needs and wants.  What I really want; not those things I said I wanted because I knew it would ultimately make him happy. I'm done with that. I'm done with being That girl.

So, what am I going to so drastically be doing?

Day One, breaking up with the one I've been with, for real this time.

It's going to be me, myself and Jesus (in case you missed the first time I said it). As hard as it may be, as lonely as I may get, I need to step back from that. I am ultimately unhappy and I always will be with him and that is not good.

The smiles and laughs were great but the sorrows and pains will be greater.

The rewards and blessings will be great and if he can be there when I transform, then I will know it was real. If not, then it was not meant to be like the first one. The Lord has got to be tired of me saying this, but I'm gong to succeed this time. I have to.

Putting God first has to be the only thing that matters most. Loving others but not putting themselves before me. Serving others but not being a doormat.

A challenging task lies ahead but you will be able to witness.

It is time.