Love and Sex

After careful reflection of the environment around me, I feel I should reflect on Love and Sex but please be advised, I am going to do some venting, some sharing and some advising.

Just to give a history of my sexual history.  I am currently celibac since I have given my life back to Christ but I am not a virgin.  I have had life-impacting diseases like HPV and cancerous periods as well as bacterial infections. So even if I did not give my life back to Christ, I also feel that sex has its consequences that are scary enough to give up sex. 

I can never be too safe though, even though I haven't had sex in almost a year, I realize that I have faithfully been taking birth control for 24 months. I have kept each monthly pack as a reminder of the commitment that I made.

Now why do I give all this information?

Should a couple have sex?

Under what conditions is love amplified by sex or diminished by sex?

I have been noticing that the people around me have been getting pregnant around me in higher numbers each year.  Some are married, most are not.  Some have planned it, and most have not.  I think about the guidelines that God tells us sex is reserved for marriage.

I have a clearer vision of this plan because of the things/situations I have observed including my own.  When I had sex with my first partner, I did not do it out of love but out of curiosity and because I felt I was "old enough" not mature enough, or spiritual or anything.  So sex already had become a meaningless activity just from the first act. I do not mean meaningless in that it had no importance but that it added no value to our relationship.

Then when I had sex to please someone because he was bored or he felt he had something to prove, I felt dirty like i just violated myself and I vowed never to do that again. 

Then I waited to have sex with the next person, even though we did sexual activities, we held off on sex for quite some time.  Then I realized that maybe we had sex because we felt we had to if we were going to be in a relationship. Our individual relationships with God were strained or tarnished and the same conscious that tells us not to have sex with our current partners was nonexistent then. After some time the desire faded or the impending relationship with God made the act seem less pleasant.  Then the break-up.

Now, I look at my friends which influenced me to write this blog.  I see the relationship that lasted a long time and produced a baby and once that did not last a long time and produced a baby but yet I feel a little sorry for both of the future newborns.  Already, the sincere plan of God's rulings have been sacrificed and these children are already born into a strained or unprepared relationship.  Then I start to thinking that maybe this is the reason I needed to get back right with God, this could've been me.  I was having unprotected sex at one point in my life and I was being careful but how careful can one be when the devil is busy all the time. I look at the strength I have now to fight sex and the almost depleted desire to even be near a penis. 

Besides if you have sex with so many people before you get married you start to judge/compare your partner to previous sex partners and might get bored or judgemental.

I know that sex is pleasurable but the consequences are far too heavy to have sex before marriage when you really think about it. Because even the two most careful people in the world have slip ups and as the saying goes "shit happens".  I really feel that God put this no sex before marriage law in place was because two people that come before God and profess their love in his presence will probably be able to provide a better home for any child or be better soldiers to fight any situation that might come their way.

There are other ways to express your love that do not include lewdness and carnal behavior but each person has to be committed to doing that.  Since my first sex partner that I have been in a relationship with it is interesting to be in a friendship with someone where we do not indulge in sexual activities.  It is actually refreshing, it forces my mind to be more creative. It demands that I think about the other parts of my body and his body.  How I only wish I could have realized this a few years ago, then I would have had this magic with the special person.

Sorry, if I went too long.  I have been burning to put down these thoughts for a few days. Thanks for reading.

My Heart. Mi Corazon.

The heart.  El corazon.

Four chambers.  Cuatro camaras.

A steady beat. Un ritmo cantante.

About the size of my fist.  Sobre el tamano de mi puno.

In the middle of my chest.  En el centro de mi pecho.

Blood going through.  Sangre que pasa por.

Protected by a sternum and ribs. Protegido por el esternon y las costillas.

A complex system physically and theoretically. Un sistema complejo de fisica y teoricamente.

Delicate. Delicado.

How can it feel?  Como lo siente?

I see you and then I see my heart.  Te veo y veo a mi corazon.

Without you to love. Sin que al amor.

It beats slower, it is smaller. Que late mas lentamente, es mas pequena.

Science doesn't prove it, but I feel it. La ciencia no lo prueba, pero lo siento.

My heart. Mi corazon.

Penned 2011

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It is so weird.  I have so much love around me.  God loves me, my family loves me and the world is spinning so that I will meet many more individuals in my life.  It's been months and I still get jitters and I still remember.  It's been a year and I still have the same vision in my life despite the tide of the waves.  Despite what God has placed before me to learn from.  I know now why I have been through so much. I know now why I am not falling, I am rising to love. I am learning how to develop as a person.  I can't let myself get too excited when I am around you because then I will hit the bottom harder when you're gone.  I take myself out of the equation and you keep putting yourself back in.  I will be gone like I should have been. I learned more about myself this year than many years combined.  I have decided to be different because I want to be not because someone told me or because I was trying to please someone else. 

I look at my mother.  If you never stop moving and you always have someone lined up, you do not have to feel the pain.  If you focus on the bad things and break off, then you won't have to remember the good times and want them back.  If you never are alone, you never have to feel alone.  All this time, I thought that I was learning from her and she was destroying the realness of love for me. 

I look at my father. If you just shut out the world and pretend like there is nothing going on at home, you do not have to face it.  If you love somone else and you are unhappy, it does not matter because marriage is not about being happy anymore.  It is about surviving.  It is about not wanting to split the house, the cars, the pets, the kids. 

I look at my grandparents.  If he never comes home, then you have to find things to do.  If he loves his job more than he loves you than what is a few more years.  If you haven't slept in the same bed in over ten years what difference does it make, you are right down the hall.  If you love each other enough to go another ten 25 years then you will be buried together and no one will ever know what went on.

I look at my aunts. If all we see is failed marriages and non-marriages, what hope is there left for us? Who is the model? If the queen of the castle has had six children by three different men and three husbands, what is the real lesson here?

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That's why it is time to write our own books, children and grandchildren.  That is why I'm reading what God wants because I am not sure what my fate will be if I end up listening to those around me. I just wish it was not so ambiguous.  I wish I could Stand Still and Know. It is so much more difficult than it looks. And my heart is not what it used to be.  My heart is growing with fear each day, but I have to fight. I have to or I am going to end up like them. I want so much not to end up like them.