My Heart. Mi Corazon.

The heart.  El corazon.

Four chambers.  Cuatro camaras.

A steady beat. Un ritmo cantante.

About the size of my fist.  Sobre el tamano de mi puno.

In the middle of my chest.  En el centro de mi pecho.

Blood going through.  Sangre que pasa por.

Protected by a sternum and ribs. Protegido por el esternon y las costillas.

A complex system physically and theoretically. Un sistema complejo de fisica y teoricamente.

Delicate. Delicado.

How can it feel?  Como lo siente?

I see you and then I see my heart.  Te veo y veo a mi corazon.

Without you to love. Sin que al amor.

It beats slower, it is smaller. Que late mas lentamente, es mas pequena.

Science doesn't prove it, but I feel it. La ciencia no lo prueba, pero lo siento.

My heart. Mi corazon.

Penned 2011

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It is so weird.  I have so much love around me.  God loves me, my family loves me and the world is spinning so that I will meet many more individuals in my life.  It's been months and I still get jitters and I still remember.  It's been a year and I still have the same vision in my life despite the tide of the waves.  Despite what God has placed before me to learn from.  I know now why I have been through so much. I know now why I am not falling, I am rising to love. I am learning how to develop as a person.  I can't let myself get too excited when I am around you because then I will hit the bottom harder when you're gone.  I take myself out of the equation and you keep putting yourself back in.  I will be gone like I should have been. I learned more about myself this year than many years combined.  I have decided to be different because I want to be not because someone told me or because I was trying to please someone else. 

I look at my mother.  If you never stop moving and you always have someone lined up, you do not have to feel the pain.  If you focus on the bad things and break off, then you won't have to remember the good times and want them back.  If you never are alone, you never have to feel alone.  All this time, I thought that I was learning from her and she was destroying the realness of love for me. 

I look at my father. If you just shut out the world and pretend like there is nothing going on at home, you do not have to face it.  If you love somone else and you are unhappy, it does not matter because marriage is not about being happy anymore.  It is about surviving.  It is about not wanting to split the house, the cars, the pets, the kids. 

I look at my grandparents.  If he never comes home, then you have to find things to do.  If he loves his job more than he loves you than what is a few more years.  If you haven't slept in the same bed in over ten years what difference does it make, you are right down the hall.  If you love each other enough to go another ten 25 years then you will be buried together and no one will ever know what went on.

I look at my aunts. If all we see is failed marriages and non-marriages, what hope is there left for us? Who is the model? If the queen of the castle has had six children by three different men and three husbands, what is the real lesson here?

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That's why it is time to write our own books, children and grandchildren.  That is why I'm reading what God wants because I am not sure what my fate will be if I end up listening to those around me. I just wish it was not so ambiguous.  I wish I could Stand Still and Know. It is so much more difficult than it looks. And my heart is not what it used to be.  My heart is growing with fear each day, but I have to fight. I have to or I am going to end up like them. I want so much not to end up like them.