The Loveless Relationship

“We are just friends.”

As a pro advocate of love, I just wonder how I got myself into a loveless relationship. I do not know why I agreed to this. Maybe I felt like I would not get hurt. Or maybe I felt like I would get over my true love faster. All I know is that I never thought I would see the day that I was out of college and being in a relationship where time won’t count to marriage. Where two people are doing most of what is in a relationship and calling it friendship.

He knows I am not his wife according to his relationship with God and I know he is not my husband according to my relationship with God. So what are we doing? Filling in time in the meantime? The funny thing is why would I expect something different? I know all the circumstances. I knew from the beginning.

But I want more. I’ll always want more. I like the fact that he is a Christian man and he does keep me grounded.  He allows me to open my mind in a friendship but close my mind to other sex-crazed men (which is crucial to my celibacy).  But why would anyone just want to be a space-filler? That worries me about him. Like I expressed this morning over the phone, I know he is not going to “fall in love” with me and I won’t unless it is reciprocal so we are two people in an overrated friendship. Am I going to voice these worries, probably not?

And for me, to be single is like a devil’s playpen for my mind. My only desire is to love and be loved and this is my vulnerability. That is why I am thankful for someone who is going to keep my mind distracted with good, holy thoughts. And the cat keeps dragging in more guys who just do not realize how much they fall short. Too many without the love of Christ in their lives.

And I think for him, it is a gateway to breaking down the trust issues he has with women.  When that one woman comes (Proverbs 31, as he puts it) she will be everything to him and he will know how to be everything to her. Trusting her to be his partner through those vows said at the altar.  A good man. I sort of hope this woman comes sooner than later.

This year has been one for the books.

A word of advice, always be honest with yourself and be real with the people around you. Hearing the circumstances out loud, laid out on the table should make you evaluate the situation for what it is and determine your next move. What works for one person may not work for another and change must come from the inside not the outside. Always.