The Loveless Relationship

“We are just friends.”

As a pro advocate of love, I just wonder how I got myself into a loveless relationship. I do not know why I agreed to this. Maybe I felt like I would not get hurt. Or maybe I felt like I would get over my true love faster. All I know is that I never thought I would see the day that I was out of college and being in a relationship where time won’t count to marriage. Where two people are doing most of what is in a relationship and calling it friendship.

He knows I am not his wife according to his relationship with God and I know he is not my husband according to my relationship with God. So what are we doing? Filling in time in the meantime? The funny thing is why would I expect something different? I know all the circumstances. I knew from the beginning.

But I want more. I’ll always want more. I like the fact that he is a Christian man and he does keep me grounded.  He allows me to open my mind in a friendship but close my mind to other sex-crazed men (which is crucial to my celibacy).  But why would anyone just want to be a space-filler? That worries me about him. Like I expressed this morning over the phone, I know he is not going to “fall in love” with me and I won’t unless it is reciprocal so we are two people in an overrated friendship. Am I going to voice these worries, probably not?

And for me, to be single is like a devil’s playpen for my mind. My only desire is to love and be loved and this is my vulnerability. That is why I am thankful for someone who is going to keep my mind distracted with good, holy thoughts. And the cat keeps dragging in more guys who just do not realize how much they fall short. Too many without the love of Christ in their lives.

And I think for him, it is a gateway to breaking down the trust issues he has with women.  When that one woman comes (Proverbs 31, as he puts it) she will be everything to him and he will know how to be everything to her. Trusting her to be his partner through those vows said at the altar.  A good man. I sort of hope this woman comes sooner than later.

This year has been one for the books.

A word of advice, always be honest with yourself and be real with the people around you. Hearing the circumstances out loud, laid out on the table should make you evaluate the situation for what it is and determine your next move. What works for one person may not work for another and change must come from the inside not the outside. Always.

This Day

Why do we celebrate anninversaries? Our birthdays, holidays, marriage days. Because we want to remember a special day in our history, in our lives, and with others.

Today I remember, three years ago, we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Today I remember, three years ago, we were sitting in his car when we decided that we wanted to be together. Today I remember, three years ago, feeling one of the happiest moments of my life because I was excited about the journey I was to embark on.

I think about some relationships as a wild safari ride. You are supposed to stay in the car until you reach the place that will take you home. All the animals are distractions like people. Just because you get out the car to take pictures of the animals or look at them closely, you don't really want to stay there with them and you certainly do not want to lose the path.  Some of us are good at staying in the car and some of us are not. But more than likely we all want to get home. We all want to come back to that one person who is like home.

What I remember most about three years ago, this day, was that I met someone who was not going to ridicule me with games, or jump little kids any time we had a fight, or abuse me like my other previous boyfriends.  I met someone who I could love and he could restore my broken heart.  If only I would have been stronger then, we would have been celebrating our three year anniversary, this day. Unfortunately, we did not make it to our second year anniversary. But those first two years were the most wonderful years for me. Everyone could tell I was happy.  Everyone could see that I found someone who brought the best out of me. So I will never forget this day for the rest of my life. When I wake up on this day as the years go by I will remember what extraordinary person was placed in my life. That chapter might be over but it is not erased.

Happy Anniversary to the One I love.

Boy oh Boy

Man I was stupid.

You can't help who you love.

I was stupid to think that love would manifest where it does not live.

Your heart has to be open to it.

My heart is open to love God.

It is not open to love him.

That voice telling me I was unsure was my spirit.

I refused my spirit.

Why did I do that?

God I need you. I love YOU.

Love Song Montage I

Love, a word that comes and goes
but few people really know
what it means to really love somebody

Love by God's Property

First time I saw your face
My heart just erased
All the guys I knew before
You walked into my life
I was the type to never want for nothing

I Love You by Faith Evans

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore

L.O.V.E. by Michael Buble

One plus one equals two
And it's me and you
That's all we'll have when the world is through (cause baby)
We ain't got nothing without love
Darling you got enough for the both of us (so come on baby)

1+1 by Beyonce



Love
So many people use your name in vain
Love
Those who faith in you sometimes go astray
Love
Through all the ups and downs the joy and hurt
Love
For better or worse I still will choose you first

Love by Musiq Soulchild

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you,
For you I will.

For You I will by Monica

And he dont have to have money
His love is just like honey
Its so sweet to me
He can have everything in this world
But he'll sacrafice it all for me
And I made up my mind
Im in love this time
And it feels so real

And I by Ciara

Pressing on the up away
Always guide me Lord I pray
Undeserving, and stubbornly never fail to love me still

Yes Jesus loves me
Oh yes Jesus loves me
Oh yes Jesus loves me, for the Bible tells me so

Jesus Loves Me by Whitney Houston

This love this love
The only love
That comes down from the heavens
([F. Hammond:] why do you love)
Better than mothers, better than
Fathers oh oh oh
This love this love
This love is your love
This love is my love
([F. Hammond:] why do you love)
This love this love
From God the Father
God up in heaven you oughta know

This Love by Mary Mary

You make my life complete
You are so sweet, no one competes
Glad you came into my life
You blind me with your love, with you I have no sight

Differences by Ginuwine

The way you walk, the way you talk
The way you say my name and smile
The way you move me, the way you soothe me
The way you speak softly through the night
Every morning you rise and open your eyes
I just wanna be there with you baby
I just wanna be yours from this day forth

You by Jesse Powell

Nobody gonna love me better
I must stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higher
I must stick with you.
You know how to appreciate me
I must stick with you, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I must stick with you.

Stick with You by The Pussycat Dolls

But at your best you are love
You're a positive motivating force within my life
Should you ever feel the need to wonder why
Let me know, let me know. . .

At Your Best by Aaliyah

'cause if your love was all I had
In this life
Well that would be enough
Until the end of time
So rest your weary heart
And relax your mind
Cause I'm gonna love you girl
Until the end of time

Until the End of Time by Justin Timberlake

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try, try to divide, something so real
So till the end of time I'm telling you there ain't no one

No one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

No One by Alicia Keys

More to come....

You Lose...You Gain

Well I lost some friends this year, I gained some new friends this year.  It is the circle of life.  I lost guy friends but I gained girl friends. I lost the love of my life, but I gained a partner, I think. I am just so confused about what the Lord wants for me, what I want, and how everything fits into this new life that I am going to have with the Lord. So, I find myself going to try to make it work with a man I do not love at the moment but I respect him and he respects me.  He is not Second Best but he chooses to be exclusive with me and I did not even know until yesterday. He understands what is going on with my heart and he still wants to be with me. That is the interesting part. I am waiting to see how this goes. I really am. I am going to take the advice of my friends and go out on a limb. Take a chance. See where this goes. See if this is what the Lord is trying to give me. The minute it starts to go left though I will have to pull out. With him though things will be very different. There won't be a boyfriend-girlfriend declaration or relationship.  It will be friendship that is between friends and lovers. A part of me is so excited though because it will be different. It will be the first time I will be in a relationship with God in the front from the beginning. Both of us finally have a strong foundation in God that will help us love each other better and God's way. Who can resist love?


Stay tuned. I am coming up with a montage of love songs for you faithful readers.