You ever feel like you are in a lover's basket?
Let me explain what I mean by that...have you ever felt like everything was in place around you? The family, the friends, the man or woman in your life and you should be in love because you are in a lover's basket.
But something is still not right?
Why am I not in love? Why am I not completely blissful with my situation? Would I really reduce myself to settling? Can I love this man?
I met this wonderful guy who is really supportive and as good as it sounds he has his own house, his own car, a job and no kids. He works hard and plays harder, likes to cook and makes sure that I am extremely comfortable when I am with him.
BUT (you knew it was coming) I wonder if I could love him, I am not so sure my heart is completely over another which sucks butt so much. Here is this amazing guy whom I love to spend time with and is opening up to me ever so slowly learning to trust again from whatever hit him before. I knew I should have ended it before during that month. How could I be so selfish to think that only my heart was at stake here. Like I told my best friend, I am still paying for my sins and I have to make the right choices here or forever be damned. I do not know what to do. I can't go through the emotional turmoil that I went through before with him it was too heavy and I got a wave of sorrow and then another wave of pity that crashed into my body full force.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Depressed
Sorrows from shadows
Despair affairs
Soul speaks defeat
Ice cracking
Hearts breaking
Talons are sharp
Clawing apart
Blood spills
Conscious stills
Looks that kill
Agitation spreads
Time dreads
No place to escape
The great wait
Souls to take
Deals to make
And wake
Those who suffer
Make tougher
Take cover
Screams
Dreams
Thursday, August 2, 2012
The Man
Hello Love Talks,
It's been a long time, I apologize for my absence but it seems as though I have been colossally busy with my new job that I haven't even thought about my blog. But I have to share my recent adventures with looking for love.
This blog is titled "the man" because I have run into all types of men in the past few months and it just amazes me how all these personalities and fitting the puzzle pieces has been like trying to finish a game of minesweeper.
The overly thirst 32 year old who cannot think past his smaller head for more than ten minutes to realize he could've had a good woman by his side had he took the time to notice her and cater to her requests in addition to his demands. Then calls back three weeks later to "chill", do I look like I was born last night?
The love-crazed 45 year old with nothing better to do than send love notes and "romantic" calls a week after the first meeting and two days after the first date. Hold on with the romance buddy, it's been less than a month and I am the "queen of your kingdom", what's really going on? I may be guarded with my heart but you are getting a little ahead of yourself.
The sweet love whom I have had a falling out with and then he continues to say after he kisses me and spends the night holding me in my bed that we purely physical and its all platonic. Then don't come into my room and toy with my emotions. I already know that my feelings are fragile and I refuse to let you come back into my life in that way. No sirreee! But wait last night tells me that he wants to be my lover and all fun and games aside, let's try again, 3rd times a charm, right? Wrong. I'm so confused.
The crazy ex-con with a considerable aggression problem and his desire to continually have a sexually relationship when I have reproductive issues. Thank you for your consideration as you just proved to me that I was a viable dummy doll used for "insert penis here". Ugh.
The sweet and gentle photographer whom I have talked all my talk away lol and tried to relax my standards. He is everything a girl wants except he does not have a relationship with God. I did not come this far in my faith to fail now. And I am not in the business of changing people. But man is he the most sensual guy you will ever meet and rocks my body in unexplored places.
The blast from the past ex whom has always had an interesting pull on me. I don't know if its love but I don't know if it's less either. The fear of stepping forward with a man who's life habits does not suit risk so many consequences.
The cheater whom despite all the woman he has cannot seem to relieve himself on his own and feels the constant need to share how much "help" he "needs". This is like a slap in the face to my progress. I have been a cheater and cheated on and I do not wish to inflict that kind of pain on anyone.
The sullen, desperate ex of the mother trying to fetch the daughter is a interesting yet disturbing case of "Really, you can't be serious right now!". How do I even began to look at a future with you, you slept with my mother, a line I refuse to cross, not now, not ever!
The creepy neighbor who undresses me with his eyes everytime I walk out the house with my dog. I really wish you would keep your eyes in your head and focus on your almost three month old son. I can't believe you have the nerve to even tell me "we should go out sometime". It's sickening, your supposed to be like my uncle or something thats what you called yourself when I was a minor.
And this is just twenty-twelve...stay tuned! -_-
It's been a long time, I apologize for my absence but it seems as though I have been colossally busy with my new job that I haven't even thought about my blog. But I have to share my recent adventures with looking for love.
This blog is titled "the man" because I have run into all types of men in the past few months and it just amazes me how all these personalities and fitting the puzzle pieces has been like trying to finish a game of minesweeper.
The overly thirst 32 year old who cannot think past his smaller head for more than ten minutes to realize he could've had a good woman by his side had he took the time to notice her and cater to her requests in addition to his demands. Then calls back three weeks later to "chill", do I look like I was born last night?
The love-crazed 45 year old with nothing better to do than send love notes and "romantic" calls a week after the first meeting and two days after the first date. Hold on with the romance buddy, it's been less than a month and I am the "queen of your kingdom", what's really going on? I may be guarded with my heart but you are getting a little ahead of yourself.
The sweet love whom I have had a falling out with and then he continues to say after he kisses me and spends the night holding me in my bed that we purely physical and its all platonic. Then don't come into my room and toy with my emotions. I already know that my feelings are fragile and I refuse to let you come back into my life in that way. No sirreee! But wait last night tells me that he wants to be my lover and all fun and games aside, let's try again, 3rd times a charm, right? Wrong. I'm so confused.
The crazy ex-con with a considerable aggression problem and his desire to continually have a sexually relationship when I have reproductive issues. Thank you for your consideration as you just proved to me that I was a viable dummy doll used for "insert penis here". Ugh.
The sweet and gentle photographer whom I have talked all my talk away lol and tried to relax my standards. He is everything a girl wants except he does not have a relationship with God. I did not come this far in my faith to fail now. And I am not in the business of changing people. But man is he the most sensual guy you will ever meet and rocks my body in unexplored places.
The blast from the past ex whom has always had an interesting pull on me. I don't know if its love but I don't know if it's less either. The fear of stepping forward with a man who's life habits does not suit risk so many consequences.
The cheater whom despite all the woman he has cannot seem to relieve himself on his own and feels the constant need to share how much "help" he "needs". This is like a slap in the face to my progress. I have been a cheater and cheated on and I do not wish to inflict that kind of pain on anyone.
The sullen, desperate ex of the mother trying to fetch the daughter is a interesting yet disturbing case of "Really, you can't be serious right now!". How do I even began to look at a future with you, you slept with my mother, a line I refuse to cross, not now, not ever!
The creepy neighbor who undresses me with his eyes everytime I walk out the house with my dog. I really wish you would keep your eyes in your head and focus on your almost three month old son. I can't believe you have the nerve to even tell me "we should go out sometime". It's sickening, your supposed to be like my uncle or something thats what you called yourself when I was a minor.
And this is just twenty-twelve...stay tuned! -_-
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
Really good read by the way. This book gave lovely insight and I got to drop a lot of my nonsense in life after reading it.
I'm going to answer the questions that Steve Harvey asked in his book in the Chapter titled, "Men Respect Standards-Get Some"I highly encourage you think about these questions and get you "some standards" of your own.
1. What specific kind of man are you looking for? (For example, funny? Hardworking? Generous?
Of course all the above, lol. But he also has to be intelligent (holding a general conversation beyond a rap song) and dedicated to his life and family.
2. How do you expect to be pursued? (Do you want regular phone calls? Text messages? Dates at least three times a week? Do you want him to always pick up the tab?)
I would like some kind of contact everyday (could be a simple text, "Good Morning" I will be satisfied with that). I could switch dates picking up that tab or always paying my half if we decide to go somewhere together.
3. What level of commitment do you expect? (Do you want an open relationship? Or to date exclusively? Should it be up for discussion?)
I will say we can open until we decide in a discussion to date exclusively and start only seeing each other. Because I am not gonna expect a guy to drop everyone when he first meets me and he should expect the same from me.
4. What kind of financial security do you expect this man to have? (Do you want him to be rich? Do you want him to make more money than you? Are you okay with a blue-collar worker?)
I want a guy to be able to take care of himself and his bills. If he's always borrowing money for rent or phone bill or car note that means he overextended himself and he will be overextending me. Take care of yourself and if occasionally (I stress occasionally, more like seldom) you need me to pick up the tab because you don't get paid until Friday, I can handle that and vice versa.
5. Do you want a man who wants kids and is family oriented?
Duh. I do not want to be an old maid and God forbid something happen to my husband, I would love to have children and grandchildren. And he needs to be at peace with his family.
6. Do he have to be religious/spiritual?
He has to believe in G-O-D because I do and I understand not be an avid churchgoer or tither, we can work on that together because I am not perfect either.
7. Do you mind if he's a divorce or has kids?
I don't mind, I love kids but I do not want to deal with baby mama drama. If we can peacefully work it out amongst ourselves to let me be around the children, etc. then I am A-ok with it.
8. Can you help a man build his dream? Can you adapt to his plan?
Yes, but he can't be idle about his dreams. He can't say I want to be a rapper and has never stepped foot in a studio or have a mixtape. I am willing to help him with his plan but I will have a hard time relocating at the present moment.
9. What do you expect of his family? (Should you get along with his mother? Do you care if he doesn't get along with her? Or if his father was never around?)
I don't mind if his father is/was not around, most of my generation is a lost one without fathers. He should get along with his mother and siblings. His mother doesn't have to like me but she should respect me.
10. What should he be willing to do to woo you? (Should he pursue you? Give you expensive gifts?)
I am a cuddling type of person. I would rather have a back massage and a night in his arms than some expensive piece of jewelry or item. I like actions not material things.
I'm going to answer the questions that Steve Harvey asked in his book in the Chapter titled, "Men Respect Standards-Get Some"I highly encourage you think about these questions and get you "some standards" of your own.
1. What specific kind of man are you looking for? (For example, funny? Hardworking? Generous?
Of course all the above, lol. But he also has to be intelligent (holding a general conversation beyond a rap song) and dedicated to his life and family.
2. How do you expect to be pursued? (Do you want regular phone calls? Text messages? Dates at least three times a week? Do you want him to always pick up the tab?)
I would like some kind of contact everyday (could be a simple text, "Good Morning" I will be satisfied with that). I could switch dates picking up that tab or always paying my half if we decide to go somewhere together.
3. What level of commitment do you expect? (Do you want an open relationship? Or to date exclusively? Should it be up for discussion?)
I will say we can open until we decide in a discussion to date exclusively and start only seeing each other. Because I am not gonna expect a guy to drop everyone when he first meets me and he should expect the same from me.
4. What kind of financial security do you expect this man to have? (Do you want him to be rich? Do you want him to make more money than you? Are you okay with a blue-collar worker?)
I want a guy to be able to take care of himself and his bills. If he's always borrowing money for rent or phone bill or car note that means he overextended himself and he will be overextending me. Take care of yourself and if occasionally (I stress occasionally, more like seldom) you need me to pick up the tab because you don't get paid until Friday, I can handle that and vice versa.
5. Do you want a man who wants kids and is family oriented?
Duh. I do not want to be an old maid and God forbid something happen to my husband, I would love to have children and grandchildren. And he needs to be at peace with his family.
6. Do he have to be religious/spiritual?
He has to believe in G-O-D because I do and I understand not be an avid churchgoer or tither, we can work on that together because I am not perfect either.
7. Do you mind if he's a divorce or has kids?
I don't mind, I love kids but I do not want to deal with baby mama drama. If we can peacefully work it out amongst ourselves to let me be around the children, etc. then I am A-ok with it.
8. Can you help a man build his dream? Can you adapt to his plan?
Yes, but he can't be idle about his dreams. He can't say I want to be a rapper and has never stepped foot in a studio or have a mixtape. I am willing to help him with his plan but I will have a hard time relocating at the present moment.
9. What do you expect of his family? (Should you get along with his mother? Do you care if he doesn't get along with her? Or if his father was never around?)
I don't mind if his father is/was not around, most of my generation is a lost one without fathers. He should get along with his mother and siblings. His mother doesn't have to like me but she should respect me.
10. What should he be willing to do to woo you? (Should he pursue you? Give you expensive gifts?)
I am a cuddling type of person. I would rather have a back massage and a night in his arms than some expensive piece of jewelry or item. I like actions not material things.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Baby Love
Hello Lovers...
Hope everyone is good out there in Blogger land. I have a confession to make on Love Talks. It's one close to my heart, it will be from the heart and from my mind. So I am still young but getting older and I am feeling the pull of being a mother. It was strong years ago that I almost had a baby at 19 but I came to my senses that I would not have been in the best position to raise a child but now it's getting strong again. The doctors have told me this year that they don't want me to get another LEEP procedure because then it is likely to affect my fertility but if the progression of the HPV gets worst it will have to come down to the former. I hate the thought of not being able to have children or risk giving them an STD before they have even enjoyed their life. I have to say to all the young lovers out there. Be careful! Be safe! Yes, I thought I was going to marry the first man I had sex with but that was not the case and instead, I am infected with a virus for the rest of my life that could possibly lead to cancer of the cervix.
I really wanted to share my story as a warning and to share that I almost would follow to the advice of my mother. She said if it came down to it and they told me that a procedure would affect my infertility that I should have a baby and set aside some money and forget what everyone else has to say.
I think I would make a great mother. I love kids, I love being around kids, teaching kids, giving them love. Of course, I would like to have those bundles of joys with a husband by my side but my mom has been divorced for practically all my life and I think she did a great job with the support of my father on the side. So if you have a baby, be grateful and thankful. Give that baby love and support. Baby love. How could you not love such an adorable person? With ten little toes and ten little fingers.
I thank God for my goddaughter to help fill that void a little bit when I feel like I can't cope and need to be around a child. I've been having nightmares and all sorts of random, crazy thoughts. I know I should trust God and that he has a plan for my life that maybe I didn't have for myself but it is nerve-wrecking and I can't help but worry sometimes.
Shout out to all the mothers in Love land. All the baby love. :)
Hope everyone is good out there in Blogger land. I have a confession to make on Love Talks. It's one close to my heart, it will be from the heart and from my mind. So I am still young but getting older and I am feeling the pull of being a mother. It was strong years ago that I almost had a baby at 19 but I came to my senses that I would not have been in the best position to raise a child but now it's getting strong again. The doctors have told me this year that they don't want me to get another LEEP procedure because then it is likely to affect my fertility but if the progression of the HPV gets worst it will have to come down to the former. I hate the thought of not being able to have children or risk giving them an STD before they have even enjoyed their life. I have to say to all the young lovers out there. Be careful! Be safe! Yes, I thought I was going to marry the first man I had sex with but that was not the case and instead, I am infected with a virus for the rest of my life that could possibly lead to cancer of the cervix.
I really wanted to share my story as a warning and to share that I almost would follow to the advice of my mother. She said if it came down to it and they told me that a procedure would affect my infertility that I should have a baby and set aside some money and forget what everyone else has to say.
I think I would make a great mother. I love kids, I love being around kids, teaching kids, giving them love. Of course, I would like to have those bundles of joys with a husband by my side but my mom has been divorced for practically all my life and I think she did a great job with the support of my father on the side. So if you have a baby, be grateful and thankful. Give that baby love and support. Baby love. How could you not love such an adorable person? With ten little toes and ten little fingers.
I thank God for my goddaughter to help fill that void a little bit when I feel like I can't cope and need to be around a child. I've been having nightmares and all sorts of random, crazy thoughts. I know I should trust God and that he has a plan for my life that maybe I didn't have for myself but it is nerve-wrecking and I can't help but worry sometimes.
Shout out to all the mothers in Love land. All the baby love. :)
Monday, April 2, 2012
The Love Project: Exhibit 2
I know I have been gone a little too long, ya probably think I forgot about you but I have not. Just been a little busy these past few weeks. I will figure out how to balance all this very soon.
Exhibit 2:
Have you ever been around a person (or felt this yourself) who LOVES what they do? And when they are doing it, they are glowing with happiness. Shining out making you feel the magic that they are putting their life and soul into it? I was at Calculus Camp this past weekend and I was around those who loved Math and who breathed it, never gave up on it, took their time with it, made sure their work was neat and thorough. Why don't we love our lovers like this? Our friends? Our family? Take the time to nurture them and give them our best work. Doesn't the people we love most deserve our best? Food for thought. So exhibit B was remembering how much I loved math and treating my next partner how I treat a math problem. Give them attention, my best mind and spirit, and love them beyond reason.
Goodnight lovers...
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The Love Project: Exhibit 1
The Love Project is a new project where I venture to take an avid stance on this blog because I have been slacking lately. I am going to ask one person a day about Love, some question or statement for them to comment on and share with you all...It's a project to remember love and remember how amazing it is. With this I have to write in my blog a little more than 3 times a month and it will happen because I am determined. So for all you couples out there, use this project to remind yourself that Love never fails and for all those singles like me, use this project to remember that your time will come and moments like these are in your future.
Exhibit 1:
So, I have known and worked alongside one of my teachers for almost 8 years. She never really talks about her marriage and I sometimes forgets she's married. So today I asked her, how did she and her husband meet? She proceeded to tell me how she was attending school in New Mexico and her present husband was in this military work study program where they both got to work as assistants for double minimum wage and she happened to be struggling in a particular math class and she asked him a question. He responded by saying "anyone who doesn't get in an A in that class is stupid" and of course she was getting a B. So, after her feelings was hurt one of the military sgts told him to apologize to her. Then they made a bet about something and whoever won, they had to take the other person out to dinner; he lost. Then she explained they dated for awhile but he ended up getting a job offer in California so he had to move and she helped in move but she ended up missing him a lot while she was in New Mexico. So while she was visiting for Thanksgiving one year, he proposed. She packed her bags, took a semester off school and enrolled in CSULB and they got married.
I was really impressed with this story because here I was not even thinking about her marriage in the least and she was blushing like a 22 year old college student again while telling this story. I could tell that she didn't expect to have such a long lasting relationship with the guy who hurt her feelings but going almost 25 years strong, she is with her man. After hearing it, it made me feel warm and good inside. Made me believe a little more in Love today.
Stay tuned for the next exhibit coming to you real soon...
P.S. 50th Blog Today! Yay!
Exhibit 1:
So, I have known and worked alongside one of my teachers for almost 8 years. She never really talks about her marriage and I sometimes forgets she's married. So today I asked her, how did she and her husband meet? She proceeded to tell me how she was attending school in New Mexico and her present husband was in this military work study program where they both got to work as assistants for double minimum wage and she happened to be struggling in a particular math class and she asked him a question. He responded by saying "anyone who doesn't get in an A in that class is stupid" and of course she was getting a B. So, after her feelings was hurt one of the military sgts told him to apologize to her. Then they made a bet about something and whoever won, they had to take the other person out to dinner; he lost. Then she explained they dated for awhile but he ended up getting a job offer in California so he had to move and she helped in move but she ended up missing him a lot while she was in New Mexico. So while she was visiting for Thanksgiving one year, he proposed. She packed her bags, took a semester off school and enrolled in CSULB and they got married.
-------------------------------
I was really impressed with this story because here I was not even thinking about her marriage in the least and she was blushing like a 22 year old college student again while telling this story. I could tell that she didn't expect to have such a long lasting relationship with the guy who hurt her feelings but going almost 25 years strong, she is with her man. After hearing it, it made me feel warm and good inside. Made me believe a little more in Love today.
Stay tuned for the next exhibit coming to you real soon...
P.S. 50th Blog Today! Yay!
Just when I thought...
It's a Thursday, nothing interesting about this day of the week but it always seem to hold some value for my body physically and mentally. Its a day I'm in the middle between exhausted (from Wednesday) and excited (for Friday).
On this particular Thursday, I feel really exhausted. I spent half the night waiting for someone to show up, part of the night with that person and the other half of the night thinking, contemplating, praying...
Woke up feeling almost like I did on Monday when I caught a cold.
I've come to this place in my life where I feel like I am extremely lonely. Like I only have one true best friend, and every girl friend is busy with life and every guy friend wants sex from me. That is a really scary feeling. And I never really paid too much attention to this part of my life because there was at least one other thing in life that I loved other than my family whether it be school, a job, or a lover. Right now, my job is really stressful because it is not what I want to do at all and I feel its like one of those jobs that someone gets stuck at. I haven't been in school with actual classes in almost a year and a half and I love school and I miss it. It also was a confidence booster for me because I am really good at school. And I haven't found anyone to replace this hole in my heart.
Now I feel like I am numb to what I am doing when I am with someone. Pretending to be happy to spend more time with someone other than myself. I finally understand what love is, been researching it in the Bible for almost a year been listening to lessons. I've been studying Scripture over and over, finally feel in a better place with God than I have been in a long time and now nothing is aligned.
I have crossed more paths (with men) in the first three months of this year than the entire year of 2011 and I have to say I am not feeling any closer to the love described by Jesus. Even more upsetting, I'm not seeing any of Christ's love in the people that I have met except one and this person has clearly made the choice that we will only be friends.
For all the lovers out there, keep your partners close and your friends a little further. I attended a very beautiful wedding last week and I was so happy for her. So happy to be in the presence of love despite seeing my ex. Despite the pools of tears that built up behind my eyes at the wedding but none fell because it wasn't about me, it was about what God brought together for all my friend's family and peers to see. And although a few tears fell as I laid on my pillow that night, I remembered the celebration of something so real and so amazing, it felt good to be around it again, in the presence of it: Love.
So, these blogs are now going to turn sunny side up because the title of this blog is "Just when I thought..."
Just when I thought I was going to give up...I'm taking on a new project: The Love Project so I can spice these up a bit. I am usually not this depressing. :)
The Love Project is a new project where I venture to take an avid stance on this blog because I have been slacking lately. I am going to ask one person a day about Love, some question or statement for them to comment on and share with you all...It's a project to remember love and remember how amazing it is. With this I have to write in my blog a little more than 3 times a month and it will happen because I am determined. So for all you couples out there, use this project to remind yourself that Love never fails and for all those singles like me, use this project to remember that your time will come and moments like these are in your future.
See next blog...
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Throwback Poems from 2009
I just happened be going through some very old emails and stumbled upon Two poems that were intertwined between my love and I in 2009. Very honeymoon stage, 3 months into our relationship.
_____, o sweet _____
The love of my life
The sword in my stone.
Only I have the power to release you.
Your tenderness, my love
It melts into my soul
The days passed without you
are long, o so long
The days with you
go too fast, o so fast
Smiles, Laughs, Hugs and Kisses
the bundle you bring
The bundle I have no choice
but to give back to you
_____, o my sweet ____
By: Yours truly
When people say I love you with all my heart
some really mean it, and some don't
Others might ask what do you love about me
some lie and others try lol
I love you jasmine with all my heart.
there is nothing in this world that can change my heart.
You are my heart, you [give] me a reason to love again.
I give my heart to you my love
Now let me say whats I got to say
I love everything about you
from you uncontrolled hair
to [your] big feet :-)
You are everything to me
Your smile makes me blush
Your eyes drive me wild
Your kisses melt my lips
Your sweet voice seduces me
Oh there some much I can say
But I will take my time cuz our love is [divine].
By: The first love of my life
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Realize
To realize the value of a sister or brother...ask someone who doesn't have one.
To realize the value of ten years...ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize the value of four years...ask a graduate.
To realize of the value of one year...ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of nine months...ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
To realize the value of one month...ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week...ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one minute...ask a person who missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of one second...ask a person who survived an accident.
To realize the value of a friend or family member...Lose one.
Remember....
Hold on tight to the ones you love!
*Taken from an unknown source* Thought it was beautiful to share with ya...
To realize the value of ten years...ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize the value of four years...ask a graduate.
To realize of the value of one year...ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of nine months...ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
To realize the value of one month...ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week...ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one minute...ask a person who missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of one second...ask a person who survived an accident.
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special!
To realize the value of a friend or family member...Lose one.
Remember....
Hold on tight to the ones you love!
*Taken from an unknown source* Thought it was beautiful to share with ya...
Valentine's Day & the Cat's Away
Valentine's Day & The Cat's Away, Shall we play?
I am so relieved that Valentine's Day is over and done with. So much pressure and so many mixed feelings with the whole "holiday" I honestly think that it is too superfluous all the time. I commend the efforts of what the holiday is trying to stand for and mean but people take it to a whole nother level. They "give too much" or "give too little" when it really is supposed to be about love. But what greater love is there than Christ's love? Must we really forget that without Him, that special person wouldn't even exist in our lives. So I really would rather couples came together to praise God and love God for how they came to love each other in the first place. I wish that singles could love God as God loves them and remember that good things come to those who wait. Not forgetting how blessed we really are in this American culture.
I didn't see any of my suitors, I spent it with my best friend. I cooked dinner like it was my last. I set the table, I busted out the liquor and rented a movie and we passed out from having the itis lol. But it felt great for us to forget about the woes of the pool of gentlemen in our era and have a nice dinner with ourselves.
This month has been a whirlwind. I apologize for my absence. I've been sick since my last post and I have been dealing with a lot of drama and stress at work. I shall say that sometimes it is nice to be a simple person with no need for all the material matter and extras. I got rid of some male drama queens in my life and regained old flames. I think I am more excited about my vacation to San Diego next weekend for my birthday. I will be away from the city and away from everyone for a little while.
I've been staying away from my ex, no calls no texts no sneak peeks at the facebook profile (I'm not a stalker). And I was sitting at work minding my own business when I looked at a poster from a community college in the area and what did I see? His fiancee right there smiling in my face. It was a bitter moment. But I retracted it just as suddenly as I felt it. I am just going to politely move the poster out of my sight and it will be done with. But I have to say that my luck with this whole situation has gone quite awry.
There's a wedding around the corner....and I will have to see him as he is the photographer/camera man. I am really not looking forward to it.
In happier news, I found a really great guy whom I really like but I am not sure if I want to continue because of the whole sex thing. It really is a bummer because he is someone I respect, can hold a conversation with and has a nice smile and a great sense of humor. But he's older and it is part of his expectation to have sex. Now if we agreed that we were monogamous and we were working on something serious, I guess I could be open to the possibility but we are not and this is taking a toll on me. I will keep you updated with the details on this. But boy oh boy do I want to play. Smh.
Fleshly desires + temptation = a lot of trouble (willpower not included)
I am so relieved that Valentine's Day is over and done with. So much pressure and so many mixed feelings with the whole "holiday" I honestly think that it is too superfluous all the time. I commend the efforts of what the holiday is trying to stand for and mean but people take it to a whole nother level. They "give too much" or "give too little" when it really is supposed to be about love. But what greater love is there than Christ's love? Must we really forget that without Him, that special person wouldn't even exist in our lives. So I really would rather couples came together to praise God and love God for how they came to love each other in the first place. I wish that singles could love God as God loves them and remember that good things come to those who wait. Not forgetting how blessed we really are in this American culture.
I didn't see any of my suitors, I spent it with my best friend. I cooked dinner like it was my last. I set the table, I busted out the liquor and rented a movie and we passed out from having the itis lol. But it felt great for us to forget about the woes of the pool of gentlemen in our era and have a nice dinner with ourselves.
This month has been a whirlwind. I apologize for my absence. I've been sick since my last post and I have been dealing with a lot of drama and stress at work. I shall say that sometimes it is nice to be a simple person with no need for all the material matter and extras. I got rid of some male drama queens in my life and regained old flames. I think I am more excited about my vacation to San Diego next weekend for my birthday. I will be away from the city and away from everyone for a little while.
I've been staying away from my ex, no calls no texts no sneak peeks at the facebook profile (I'm not a stalker). And I was sitting at work minding my own business when I looked at a poster from a community college in the area and what did I see? His fiancee right there smiling in my face. It was a bitter moment. But I retracted it just as suddenly as I felt it. I am just going to politely move the poster out of my sight and it will be done with. But I have to say that my luck with this whole situation has gone quite awry.
There's a wedding around the corner....and I will have to see him as he is the photographer/camera man. I am really not looking forward to it.
In happier news, I found a really great guy whom I really like but I am not sure if I want to continue because of the whole sex thing. It really is a bummer because he is someone I respect, can hold a conversation with and has a nice smile and a great sense of humor. But he's older and it is part of his expectation to have sex. Now if we agreed that we were monogamous and we were working on something serious, I guess I could be open to the possibility but we are not and this is taking a toll on me. I will keep you updated with the details on this. But boy oh boy do I want to play. Smh.
Fleshly desires + temptation = a lot of trouble (willpower not included)
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Honesty a Deal Breaker?
I feel the sudden urge to be honest with everyone I meet. I have the desire to put everything out on the table and it has been taking a toll on my friendships and pseudo-relationships. I have been pouring too much out of my cup too soon and definitely in need of some solitude and vacation. I really want to get away but where. I really wish I could move to Colorado like I planned.
I was completely honest with my true love so that he would have the courage to leave me alone.
I was completely honest with my fling that I ended up hurting myself because it only brought out the obvious which I knew but didn't want to believe. So, therefore my half broken heart because I didn't give it my all but I gave enough for it to hurt.
I was completely honest with an admirer and I may have totally crushed his spirit which was not my intention. I didn't practice compassion and for that I felt like the devil with horns.
I have yet to find out what these next few months may hold for my love life, but I got rid of the two biggest issues in my life and I should be jumping for joy but all I feel is hurt. Hurt for something that was so superficial to begin with; how could this be?
I miss you Uncle M, times like these I would have sincerely asked for your advice and know that I could get an honest opinion and clear judgement.
I love my best friend and she tells me like it is but sometimes I wish I had that perspective in a man's shoes. I can only tell my father so much of my love life because he tries to lock me away in a tower while he looks for Prince Charming.
Some days I just sort of wish that I could be content with being single and not working on anything fleshly or of the human nature. Then I realized this part of me that is always trying to give my love. Always trying to find a place to put this fire inside of me. Ready to be a good wife, a good mother to go with my already long list of achievements.
So, can honesty be a deal-breaker? The answer is yes. But then you have to ask yourself, was it the Lord's will? If you wanna hear the Lord laugh, tell Him what you had planned. Lol. I still stand by my rampage to be honest, I think I shall practice (what my friend said perfectly) discretion when exposing the truth.
Thank you for reading "Love Talks"...I will be working on giving more blogs than two a month. :) V-Day is around the corner, I should have something special for all of you out there.
I was completely honest with my true love so that he would have the courage to leave me alone.
I was completely honest with my fling that I ended up hurting myself because it only brought out the obvious which I knew but didn't want to believe. So, therefore my half broken heart because I didn't give it my all but I gave enough for it to hurt.
I was completely honest with an admirer and I may have totally crushed his spirit which was not my intention. I didn't practice compassion and for that I felt like the devil with horns.
I have yet to find out what these next few months may hold for my love life, but I got rid of the two biggest issues in my life and I should be jumping for joy but all I feel is hurt. Hurt for something that was so superficial to begin with; how could this be?
I miss you Uncle M, times like these I would have sincerely asked for your advice and know that I could get an honest opinion and clear judgement.
I love my best friend and she tells me like it is but sometimes I wish I had that perspective in a man's shoes. I can only tell my father so much of my love life because he tries to lock me away in a tower while he looks for Prince Charming.
Some days I just sort of wish that I could be content with being single and not working on anything fleshly or of the human nature. Then I realized this part of me that is always trying to give my love. Always trying to find a place to put this fire inside of me. Ready to be a good wife, a good mother to go with my already long list of achievements.
So, can honesty be a deal-breaker? The answer is yes. But then you have to ask yourself, was it the Lord's will? If you wanna hear the Lord laugh, tell Him what you had planned. Lol. I still stand by my rampage to be honest, I think I shall practice (what my friend said perfectly) discretion when exposing the truth.
Thank you for reading "Love Talks"...I will be working on giving more blogs than two a month. :) V-Day is around the corner, I should have something special for all of you out there.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
When You Wish Love Didn't Live There
Read something today that triggered my blog instincts. Made me realize I have left you all hanging for awhile.
First, a quote: "Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better." From S.E.L. on Facebook
I was thinking about my past month of adventures and the new flames and old ones. I realize that I am falling in love with someone I really wish I didn't. When this person has shown me mostly the worst and some of the best of him. I cannot and should not fall into this trap. But he has a hold on me like a fish on a triple hook; I can't seem to shake him. Every time I get good and ready to leave, give up, turn the other cheek, I find myself still reaching out to him. I want to become a better person, a better lover, a better saint. I feel like I have lost sight of that recently and partly because I have been thinking about the relationship (or whatever he calls it) with him.
I find myself wanting a alcoholic drink more and more. I find myself thinking too much about him and not enough about the Lord. I want to know why I can't seem to enjoy being single. It's like I am not complete unless I am working for someone, caring for them and enjoying their love for me. I will have to start focusing back on the love for Christ again. Reading my Bible everyday, praying every day and every night. I seemed to cope better with this single life when I was doing that. Now I just feel under all my burdens each day. Two nights ago was the first time I really cried in a couple of months which is really long for me. I knew then I was in trouble.
Suffering because I that I am not capable of being a cold, calculated machine with guys how they are with me sometimes. This blog is also about my dog. I wish that I did not love him so much. I wish it would be easy for me to give him away to a nice family with kids and a home with a backyard. When I see him suffering in my house staying in one room and only having a patio to play outside in which is probably eight feet by eight feet. I get sad. Especially when his father (previous owner) will not even care to send a message to check on him because he feels that I do not want to hear from him. Yes, he is my ex and yes I would rather not be friends anymore but you can still check on the dog. Why is that so hard? Where is the love?
I got played and I am getting played. So, I wish love did not live in the places that it does right now because the only one who is miserable is me. Just venting. Will have something more solid for ya next week. :)
First, a quote: "Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better." From S.E.L. on Facebook
I was thinking about my past month of adventures and the new flames and old ones. I realize that I am falling in love with someone I really wish I didn't. When this person has shown me mostly the worst and some of the best of him. I cannot and should not fall into this trap. But he has a hold on me like a fish on a triple hook; I can't seem to shake him. Every time I get good and ready to leave, give up, turn the other cheek, I find myself still reaching out to him. I want to become a better person, a better lover, a better saint. I feel like I have lost sight of that recently and partly because I have been thinking about the relationship (or whatever he calls it) with him.
I find myself wanting a alcoholic drink more and more. I find myself thinking too much about him and not enough about the Lord. I want to know why I can't seem to enjoy being single. It's like I am not complete unless I am working for someone, caring for them and enjoying their love for me. I will have to start focusing back on the love for Christ again. Reading my Bible everyday, praying every day and every night. I seemed to cope better with this single life when I was doing that. Now I just feel under all my burdens each day. Two nights ago was the first time I really cried in a couple of months which is really long for me. I knew then I was in trouble.
Suffering because I that I am not capable of being a cold, calculated machine with guys how they are with me sometimes. This blog is also about my dog. I wish that I did not love him so much. I wish it would be easy for me to give him away to a nice family with kids and a home with a backyard. When I see him suffering in my house staying in one room and only having a patio to play outside in which is probably eight feet by eight feet. I get sad. Especially when his father (previous owner) will not even care to send a message to check on him because he feels that I do not want to hear from him. Yes, he is my ex and yes I would rather not be friends anymore but you can still check on the dog. Why is that so hard? Where is the love?
I got played and I am getting played. So, I wish love did not live in the places that it does right now because the only one who is miserable is me. Just venting. Will have something more solid for ya next week. :)
Monday, January 2, 2012
Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012
Well Readers,
It is time to recap, resolute and remember to forget :). The 3 R's!
Last Year's Lessons Learned
1. I can be alone if I choose to be. I thought I always needed to be in a relationship because is was a part of me, but it is not, it's a lifestyle that I chose because of fear. And because I am never really alone, God is always with me, I can choose to be alone. God is always protecting me and He is always there to call on, lean on, cry on, and pray on.
2. I am stronger than I ever thought. I learned A LOT about myself this year because I finally decided to put God first in my life and not a man. I finally decided to ask God what to do when I'm in trouble instead of others or my partner. I went to church more times in 2011 than in 2010 and will be going more times in 2012 best believe. I took steps to fight for me instead of against me. I battle this disease in my body with the mercy of God.
3. I have to sacrifice in order to gain. I had to let go of some things to give room for other things. I had to get rid of depression to receive joy. I had to let go of some people to experience real friendships. I had to humble myself to really receive what I want.
The Pastor at my old church sent me a letter this week and he challenged the members of his church to write "Seven Expectations for 2012" because 7 is the biblical number and because if we are not striving for something then we are not growing and saints should always be learning and getting closer to being Christlike.
My Seven Expectations for 2012:
1. I will to go to church more than I did in 2011.
2. I will start an active tithing plan where I really give 10% of my firstfruits instead of 5% or 1% or whatever.
3. I will become involved in a ministry at church by the end of the year.
4. I will become a Math teacher and preach to highschoolers by example.
5. I will love God before I love myself and I will love myself before I love a man.
6. I will not let fear stop be from opening doors and experiencing new things. If I want to do it and if the Lord wants me to do it, than it shall be done.
7. I will fight the 7 deadly sins with the Word of God, remembering the 7 heavenly virtues and striving to keep those in every aspect of my life. I will put away my pride and be genuinely happy for all the blessings that I have received and will receive.
Now my Resolutions for this year are simple.
I challenge you for 2012 as I challenge myself to let love be the forefront of your life. Let it give you peace. Let it bring you joy. Let the love of Christ warm your heart. Keep your family and friends close with love. Let love burn your soul of darkness and come into the light.
Like my Pastor said, "I'm crossing over!" And I'm not bringing 2011's business into 2012. I am not looking back at all the things/drama I left behind in 2011. I will let my ex-boyfriend be happy with his new love. I will move on with my heart. I may even put this mess away between my friend and I if it needs to be so. I will leave the bitterness of my job behind me and work hard to become the teacher I want to be. I will leave the depression that I had behind me in 2011 and only cry tears of joy in 2012. I will leave financial burdens in 2011 and gain financial independence in 2012. It's a brand new year, Hello 2012 you have been long awaited. :)
It is time to recap, resolute and remember to forget :). The 3 R's!
Last Year's Lessons Learned
1. I can be alone if I choose to be. I thought I always needed to be in a relationship because is was a part of me, but it is not, it's a lifestyle that I chose because of fear. And because I am never really alone, God is always with me, I can choose to be alone. God is always protecting me and He is always there to call on, lean on, cry on, and pray on.
2. I am stronger than I ever thought. I learned A LOT about myself this year because I finally decided to put God first in my life and not a man. I finally decided to ask God what to do when I'm in trouble instead of others or my partner. I went to church more times in 2011 than in 2010 and will be going more times in 2012 best believe. I took steps to fight for me instead of against me. I battle this disease in my body with the mercy of God.
3. I have to sacrifice in order to gain. I had to let go of some things to give room for other things. I had to get rid of depression to receive joy. I had to let go of some people to experience real friendships. I had to humble myself to really receive what I want.
The Pastor at my old church sent me a letter this week and he challenged the members of his church to write "Seven Expectations for 2012" because 7 is the biblical number and because if we are not striving for something then we are not growing and saints should always be learning and getting closer to being Christlike.
My Seven Expectations for 2012:
1. I will to go to church more than I did in 2011.
2. I will start an active tithing plan where I really give 10% of my firstfruits instead of 5% or 1% or whatever.
3. I will become involved in a ministry at church by the end of the year.
4. I will become a Math teacher and preach to highschoolers by example.
5. I will love God before I love myself and I will love myself before I love a man.
6. I will not let fear stop be from opening doors and experiencing new things. If I want to do it and if the Lord wants me to do it, than it shall be done.
7. I will fight the 7 deadly sins with the Word of God, remembering the 7 heavenly virtues and striving to keep those in every aspect of my life. I will put away my pride and be genuinely happy for all the blessings that I have received and will receive.
Now my Resolutions for this year are simple.
" Be a better person than I was and love the way God loves me. "
I challenge you for 2012 as I challenge myself to let love be the forefront of your life. Let it give you peace. Let it bring you joy. Let the love of Christ warm your heart. Keep your family and friends close with love. Let love burn your soul of darkness and come into the light.
Like my Pastor said, "I'm crossing over!" And I'm not bringing 2011's business into 2012. I am not looking back at all the things/drama I left behind in 2011. I will let my ex-boyfriend be happy with his new love. I will move on with my heart. I may even put this mess away between my friend and I if it needs to be so. I will leave the bitterness of my job behind me and work hard to become the teacher I want to be. I will leave the depression that I had behind me in 2011 and only cry tears of joy in 2012. I will leave financial burdens in 2011 and gain financial independence in 2012. It's a brand new year, Hello 2012 you have been long awaited. :)
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