It's a Thursday, nothing interesting about this day of the week but it always seem to hold some value for my body physically and mentally. Its a day I'm in the middle between exhausted (from Wednesday) and excited (for Friday).
On this particular Thursday, I feel really exhausted. I spent half the night waiting for someone to show up, part of the night with that person and the other half of the night thinking, contemplating, praying...
Woke up feeling almost like I did on Monday when I caught a cold.
I've come to this place in my life where I feel like I am extremely lonely. Like I only have one true best friend, and every girl friend is busy with life and every guy friend wants sex from me. That is a really scary feeling. And I never really paid too much attention to this part of my life because there was at least one other thing in life that I loved other than my family whether it be school, a job, or a lover. Right now, my job is really stressful because it is not what I want to do at all and I feel its like one of those jobs that someone gets stuck at. I haven't been in school with actual classes in almost a year and a half and I love school and I miss it. It also was a confidence booster for me because I am really good at school. And I haven't found anyone to replace this hole in my heart.
Now I feel like I am numb to what I am doing when I am with someone. Pretending to be happy to spend more time with someone other than myself. I finally understand what love is, been researching it in the Bible for almost a year been listening to lessons. I've been studying Scripture over and over, finally feel in a better place with God than I have been in a long time and now nothing is aligned.
I have crossed more paths (with men) in the first three months of this year than the entire year of 2011 and I have to say I am not feeling any closer to the love described by Jesus. Even more upsetting, I'm not seeing any of Christ's love in the people that I have met except one and this person has clearly made the choice that we will only be friends.
For all the lovers out there, keep your partners close and your friends a little further. I attended a very beautiful wedding last week and I was so happy for her. So happy to be in the presence of love despite seeing my ex. Despite the pools of tears that built up behind my eyes at the wedding but none fell because it wasn't about me, it was about what God brought together for all my friend's family and peers to see. And although a few tears fell as I laid on my pillow that night, I remembered the celebration of something so real and so amazing, it felt good to be around it again, in the presence of it: Love.
So, these blogs are now going to turn sunny side up because the title of this blog is "Just when I thought..."
Just when I thought I was going to give up...I'm taking on a new project: The Love Project so I can spice these up a bit. I am usually not this depressing. :)
The Love Project is a new project where I venture to take an avid stance on this blog because I have been slacking lately. I am going to ask one person a day about Love, some question or statement for them to comment on and share with you all...It's a project to remember love and remember how amazing it is. With this I have to write in my blog a little more than 3 times a month and it will happen because I am determined. So for all you couples out there, use this project to remind yourself that Love never fails and for all those singles like me, use this project to remember that your time will come and moments like these are in your future.
See next blog...
