A Christmas Story

Twas the night before Christmas, after a long day of travels. The tree was decorated, the presents wrapped (but not for much longer). My handsome king took me to his parents' castle and games were won and lost. At dusk almost dawn, as we entered his castle, a present lie on the bed, a dress. Then as I look into his eyes, the words spilled out of me. "I love you" My first Christmas with him was surely something special. More to come...

The Rainbow

Previously I wrote a blog called The Storm. And here I've come to enjoy the rainbow the promise that God made not to flood the Earth again. A symbol of restoration, of peace, of love. One look at a rainbow and you have to stop for a second and appreciate the beauty.
The Storm has past and I see the rainbow. This person has brought happiness and peace into my life. He is such a refreshing thought after so much baggage from the past.

Am I in love again?

I've been waiting to express my love and then he sends me a link today of an article titled, "11 Silly, Ridiculous Signs that Might Mean you're in Love" so I guess he's feeling this way too. I am so happy to talk to him. He gives me so much joy. We talk everyday, he's so thoughtful and caring, I have to check myself to let him do these things for me. A man so gentle, yet strong. So  faithful and he wants me. He shows me daily that he's a man of love and affection. I would love to move with him, be comforted by him. I miss him all the time. I can't wait for us to spend Christmas together this year. Best Christmas present from God ever!

Possibilities

If I Could see your face one more time,
Feel your lips on mine one more time,
Wrap my arms around you one more time,
Feel your breath on my neck one more time,

Would it be the last time?
Will every time be like the first time?
I touched you, kissed you, felt you, heard you, sung to you, danced for you, saw you...

When your kiss sends electricity through my body, how long will the charge last?
Will I see you at night in my dreams, in all your essence, in all your peace?
Every moment shared together erases a painful one from the past
Can there be any such thing more beautiful, will all others cease?

You gained passage into my soul, will I ever be the same?
With uncertainty and fear looming in the depths of my soul, can you find the light? Can you and your love destroy the darkness?
Or if ties sever will you only add to the destruction?

Oh my sweet, comfort me, touch me, kiss me, hold me, gaze into my eyes, unleash the warmth within me, unleash the love buried within me, unleash the joy that has been kept from me for so long, unleash me my sweet, unleash me...

In & Out

It comes a time in your life where you have to stop and consider the people moving in and out of your life. You have to determine if the Lord placed strangers, lovers, friends in your life to be permanent or temporary. Those who you may want to be permanent should only be temporary (and usually administers great lessons to learn). I am slowly coming to another crossroad to switch the role of "Second Best" [see previous post] from his permanent status. The title just fits so well, he has been in and out of my life so many times and I have tried to keep the peace but today is looking to be my second to last straw. In addition to my potential loss, I have an extraordinary gain. A man who has come in when I felt like giving up and who has shown me love and although we are thousands of miles between us, we uplift one another and bring a sliver of hope to a bright future. The trade off is immensely joyous, I feel like I shouldn't have to trade my friendships while I'm in a relationship but at the same time, our friendship is becoming so fragile it may break at any moment on its own. 

Long Distance

Long Distance can be tough.  It takes its toll on the heart, mind, and spirit. It creates thoughts and nightmares that prevent a person from living in the moment. It is really a test of faith, a test of love. I think about all the emotions that run through me daily. Can you fall in love with a person you haven't even met? Is anything possible anymore? I'm so afraid, yet so happy. My mind is telling me to quit, but my spirit and my heart are telling me to not let fear control my life. And when my dreams taunt me at night that I may not have what it takes to be patient, I feel strength within telling me that I do. I would like to have everything now but even then would I even know what to do with it. More to come.

Back to Square One

Year in and Year out it seems like a cycle or recycled boyfriends and broken promises left and right.  It seems like the wheels keep breaking down and chugging along at the same time. Grrr. I will say that I have been keeping my commitment to God and he has talked to me so I am just waiting on the next adventure and answer from above about the next people to hop on the train, broken wheels and all.  I am not even sure to open up anymore about my experiences. I feel like it just keeps going around and around in circles with no possibility of results or end.

Alone.

Post originally dated July 3

So much can change in a few months, a few days, a few hours, a few seconds.

Alone again.

No tears for someone who was not a part of God's plan for me anyway.

It still hurts.

But not to be separated, but to be alone again.

To be cold.

The light at the end of the tunnel, I must reach it.

I must fight.

For the happiness within me, all around me.

The Storm

Post originally dated June 7, 2014

I guess I would say I have been busy but that's not really it. I have had a lot to deal with in these last weeks, it has been hard to come and share my feelings but here I am.

Love and God
My mom gave me this workbook and it helps a Christian find their calling and guides them to a better understanding of their purpose in life. It has been a very good read. I see myself getting stronger spiritually each time I read it but I also find my prayers getting weaker. My love for God is strong and it has got me through some really tough times. But I also feel like I don't have as close a connection in these recent weeks but I will continue to go to church weekly and be in His presence.

Love and Others
I have been challenged in my relationship; tested the ultimate test. Recently, I found out that my boyfriend possibly has a baby on the way (and it's not mines). Crushed as I was at first, I could not let this consume me. I had to suppress my emotions so that I could be there for him in this really difficult time. Although I know we love each other, I'm wondering about our future, his future, my future. It seems as though each new relationship has its impeding force that test the elasticity of our bond. Everything in me is saying run away but I've done that countless times and I'm tired of running. Yet, I have no clue where his head is at most of the time. So I am just waiting patiently one day at a time, hoping things will get better evenutally.

Love and Me
I recently read this book called "The Mastery of Love: Guide to Relationships" by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you have the chance to read it please do because it really opens your eyes to what love is and looks like. It touched on loving yourself before loving others. So I've been really trying to change my mentality after I read that book. Because after hearing about my bf's baby, I realized how unhealthy my mind was. I was crying uncontrollably at times because I was hurt that even he was going to have a child before me. I want to bear children so bad and although I have put myself on a timeline with school, it does not change the fact that this is the one thing I am jealous towards.  And I have to suck that emotional poison out of me so I can be a happy person truly. First step is admitting to heal and now I've done that here with all of you, my readers, reading. However, in lighter news, I'm healthy again...my test results came back negative and I am overjoyed.

These have been my storms these past few weeks and it feels good to let it out some more. Until next time...

The Title

"I want the title (the title), I wanna be known as your girl, I wanna kick it with you like your best friend, So let a girl come into your world, I wanna be your lady" - Ciara, "Title"

Yes bloggers and readers, I am back to talk about this month's adventures. Not really. But I have finally claimed this man as my boyfriend and it feels good.  Lol, I have to laugh at myself.  Once again, I am falling into the trap of always wanting to talk about him and I told my dad. He was like, "What boyfriend? Boyfriend, oh when did this happen?" I love that man but he cracks me up sometimes.  I guess I need to catch up to my man when he has been sending pictures and texting everyone of "his girl". I have to say, it's nice to have someone wanting to claim you and profess their love for you to others.  But what I really wanted to record was our Facebook conversation from earlier.  I think it could really help some who are coming together and are talking about things like marriage and the etc.

Me: Compromise and dares lol. Omg the dating life.

Him: S*** married life gets worse. lol.

Me: Haha how so? You talk as if you have experience.

Him: Cause we know what each other like and what we should expect from each other and to promise till death do us part to meet each others' needs forever that says a lot love.

Me: Lol true but some people don't take those vows seriously. I wish more did though. Probably wouldn't be so many divorces or empty marriages.

Him: Well s*** I believe vows come from the heart and should really express what I truly feel about heading into life term relationship with you and really keeping it 100 with where I'm at mentally, physically, and spiritually myself and ask God to walk with us as we enter into this world as one.

Me: Yep well said babe well said.

Him: Thanks.

Me: Those vows are more than a promise but a commitment to God and then to each other.

Him: Exactly.

Yep, these are the conversations that really rock my socks. It's weird, I haven't had the itch to think about things like weddings and future life in a really long time.  But this man makes me feel some type of way, I have been working on my patience and my tendencies to over think things and blow things out of proportion.  My biggest battles yet.

Stay tuned lovers.

Four words

"You are my everything."

Four words, and I am back with another tale of my wondrous, yet inconsistent love life. At least I feel like I can pour my soul here on this blog.

I wish I could say I knew what happened from between now and a few years back but honestly, I really do not know. I really am scratching my head from how this man went from Second Best to Prince Charming. I have to admit  I was shocked to read the text for a third chance (or whichever number we are on). But the joy deep down in my heart was unable to be contained, for the future of the magic we are making.

He has been kind. He has been sweet and sending me love messages, remembered my birthday and prayed consistently for me when we are together and apart. Lord knows I love a man who can pray.  I just feel so blessed and a part of me is wondering when all this is going to come crashing down, it all seems too good to be true. Yet, every part of me is going to enjoy all this good lovin while it lasts.  Because I am his everything but he is my king. Stay tuned, lovers.

Hello 2014, Goodbye 2013

Well another year is gone.  It has been a very interesting year filled with ups and downs and a lot of lessons learned.

I have accomplished more goals in my life, seen new things.  I have experienced a different type of love and a realization about myself that will be hard to attack.

My new motto for the new year is: "Live bigger. Love better. Shine brighter."

I want to inspire and try to give myself a chance to be happy by myself.  I have spent a lot of my adult life in a relationship and in relationships with the wrong people who do not value the love and care that I want to bestow on them.  Well, this year is time for me to be in a relationship with God and myself.  For real this time.  I am going to try to empower myself.  Heal my spirit. Learn to trust again. Learn to love again like I used to love.  With all of my heart, mind and soul.

It seems like the ghosts of my past have been coming back to life in the recent years but have really opened my eyes to the issues that I have with myself and men.

I do not want to be taken advantage of and I do not want to be fighting to bring up a life with someone who has lost hope and lost that fire for living.  For chasing dreams. For climbing ladders. For reaching goals.

I hate to be the person that turns away a soul when their life is down; it feels as though you are kicking a man when he is already down but I feel like I will lose myself again and who's to say I won't be ultimately hurt in the end?  I want a new perspective.  I want to come into a relationship where we have been together for awhile before crisis hits, not starting off with crisis.  That's no way to begin.

I have become so afraid to love that I have sabotaged all good things that have come to me and then I realize that these people go on to live better lives with more value and blessings than I could ever hope for.  I am so sure that I have made many choices for the better this year, some for the worst.  I knew that I couldn't build a relationship on what-ifs and what-could-be but I went down that road anyway and lots of money and a broken friendship later, here I am, once again.

So, with the new year in tow.  I just am most excited about getting my Master's degree at the end of the year and finding true love in Jesus.  He will never let me down, He has brought me through every storm.  I just want to minister to someone with my testimony.  So, goodbye to 2013 and cheers to 2014, may your days bring more good ones than bad ones, more dreams than nightmares, and more rewards than ever!