Read something today that triggered my blog instincts. Made me realize I have left you all hanging for awhile.
First, a quote: "Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better." From S.E.L. on Facebook
I was thinking about my past month of adventures and the new flames and old ones. I realize that I am falling in love with someone I really wish I didn't. When this person has shown me mostly the worst and some of the best of him. I cannot and should not fall into this trap. But he has a hold on me like a fish on a triple hook; I can't seem to shake him. Every time I get good and ready to leave, give up, turn the other cheek, I find myself still reaching out to him. I want to become a better person, a better lover, a better saint. I feel like I have lost sight of that recently and partly because I have been thinking about the relationship (or whatever he calls it) with him.
I find myself wanting a alcoholic drink more and more. I find myself thinking too much about him and not enough about the Lord. I want to know why I can't seem to enjoy being single. It's like I am not complete unless I am working for someone, caring for them and enjoying their love for me. I will have to start focusing back on the love for Christ again. Reading my Bible everyday, praying every day and every night. I seemed to cope better with this single life when I was doing that. Now I just feel under all my burdens each day. Two nights ago was the first time I really cried in a couple of months which is really long for me. I knew then I was in trouble.
Suffering because I that I am not capable of being a cold, calculated machine with guys how they are with me sometimes. This blog is also about my dog. I wish that I did not love him so much. I wish it would be easy for me to give him away to a nice family with kids and a home with a backyard. When I see him suffering in my house staying in one room and only having a patio to play outside in which is probably eight feet by eight feet. I get sad. Especially when his father (previous owner) will not even care to send a message to check on him because he feels that I do not want to hear from him. Yes, he is my ex and yes I would rather not be friends anymore but you can still check on the dog. Why is that so hard? Where is the love?
I got played and I am getting played. So, I wish love did not live in the places that it does right now because the only one who is miserable is me. Just venting. Will have something more solid for ya next week. :)
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012
Well Readers,
It is time to recap, resolute and remember to forget :). The 3 R's!
Last Year's Lessons Learned
1. I can be alone if I choose to be. I thought I always needed to be in a relationship because is was a part of me, but it is not, it's a lifestyle that I chose because of fear. And because I am never really alone, God is always with me, I can choose to be alone. God is always protecting me and He is always there to call on, lean on, cry on, and pray on.
2. I am stronger than I ever thought. I learned A LOT about myself this year because I finally decided to put God first in my life and not a man. I finally decided to ask God what to do when I'm in trouble instead of others or my partner. I went to church more times in 2011 than in 2010 and will be going more times in 2012 best believe. I took steps to fight for me instead of against me. I battle this disease in my body with the mercy of God.
3. I have to sacrifice in order to gain. I had to let go of some things to give room for other things. I had to get rid of depression to receive joy. I had to let go of some people to experience real friendships. I had to humble myself to really receive what I want.
The Pastor at my old church sent me a letter this week and he challenged the members of his church to write "Seven Expectations for 2012" because 7 is the biblical number and because if we are not striving for something then we are not growing and saints should always be learning and getting closer to being Christlike.
My Seven Expectations for 2012:
1. I will to go to church more than I did in 2011.
2. I will start an active tithing plan where I really give 10% of my firstfruits instead of 5% or 1% or whatever.
3. I will become involved in a ministry at church by the end of the year.
4. I will become a Math teacher and preach to highschoolers by example.
5. I will love God before I love myself and I will love myself before I love a man.
6. I will not let fear stop be from opening doors and experiencing new things. If I want to do it and if the Lord wants me to do it, than it shall be done.
7. I will fight the 7 deadly sins with the Word of God, remembering the 7 heavenly virtues and striving to keep those in every aspect of my life. I will put away my pride and be genuinely happy for all the blessings that I have received and will receive.
Now my Resolutions for this year are simple.
I challenge you for 2012 as I challenge myself to let love be the forefront of your life. Let it give you peace. Let it bring you joy. Let the love of Christ warm your heart. Keep your family and friends close with love. Let love burn your soul of darkness and come into the light.
Like my Pastor said, "I'm crossing over!" And I'm not bringing 2011's business into 2012. I am not looking back at all the things/drama I left behind in 2011. I will let my ex-boyfriend be happy with his new love. I will move on with my heart. I may even put this mess away between my friend and I if it needs to be so. I will leave the bitterness of my job behind me and work hard to become the teacher I want to be. I will leave the depression that I had behind me in 2011 and only cry tears of joy in 2012. I will leave financial burdens in 2011 and gain financial independence in 2012. It's a brand new year, Hello 2012 you have been long awaited. :)
It is time to recap, resolute and remember to forget :). The 3 R's!
Last Year's Lessons Learned
1. I can be alone if I choose to be. I thought I always needed to be in a relationship because is was a part of me, but it is not, it's a lifestyle that I chose because of fear. And because I am never really alone, God is always with me, I can choose to be alone. God is always protecting me and He is always there to call on, lean on, cry on, and pray on.
2. I am stronger than I ever thought. I learned A LOT about myself this year because I finally decided to put God first in my life and not a man. I finally decided to ask God what to do when I'm in trouble instead of others or my partner. I went to church more times in 2011 than in 2010 and will be going more times in 2012 best believe. I took steps to fight for me instead of against me. I battle this disease in my body with the mercy of God.
3. I have to sacrifice in order to gain. I had to let go of some things to give room for other things. I had to get rid of depression to receive joy. I had to let go of some people to experience real friendships. I had to humble myself to really receive what I want.
The Pastor at my old church sent me a letter this week and he challenged the members of his church to write "Seven Expectations for 2012" because 7 is the biblical number and because if we are not striving for something then we are not growing and saints should always be learning and getting closer to being Christlike.
My Seven Expectations for 2012:
1. I will to go to church more than I did in 2011.
2. I will start an active tithing plan where I really give 10% of my firstfruits instead of 5% or 1% or whatever.
3. I will become involved in a ministry at church by the end of the year.
4. I will become a Math teacher and preach to highschoolers by example.
5. I will love God before I love myself and I will love myself before I love a man.
6. I will not let fear stop be from opening doors and experiencing new things. If I want to do it and if the Lord wants me to do it, than it shall be done.
7. I will fight the 7 deadly sins with the Word of God, remembering the 7 heavenly virtues and striving to keep those in every aspect of my life. I will put away my pride and be genuinely happy for all the blessings that I have received and will receive.
Now my Resolutions for this year are simple.
" Be a better person than I was and love the way God loves me. "
I challenge you for 2012 as I challenge myself to let love be the forefront of your life. Let it give you peace. Let it bring you joy. Let the love of Christ warm your heart. Keep your family and friends close with love. Let love burn your soul of darkness and come into the light.
Like my Pastor said, "I'm crossing over!" And I'm not bringing 2011's business into 2012. I am not looking back at all the things/drama I left behind in 2011. I will let my ex-boyfriend be happy with his new love. I will move on with my heart. I may even put this mess away between my friend and I if it needs to be so. I will leave the bitterness of my job behind me and work hard to become the teacher I want to be. I will leave the depression that I had behind me in 2011 and only cry tears of joy in 2012. I will leave financial burdens in 2011 and gain financial independence in 2012. It's a brand new year, Hello 2012 you have been long awaited. :)
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