The Storm

Post originally dated June 7, 2014

I guess I would say I have been busy but that's not really it. I have had a lot to deal with in these last weeks, it has been hard to come and share my feelings but here I am.

Love and God
My mom gave me this workbook and it helps a Christian find their calling and guides them to a better understanding of their purpose in life. It has been a very good read. I see myself getting stronger spiritually each time I read it but I also find my prayers getting weaker. My love for God is strong and it has got me through some really tough times. But I also feel like I don't have as close a connection in these recent weeks but I will continue to go to church weekly and be in His presence.

Love and Others
I have been challenged in my relationship; tested the ultimate test. Recently, I found out that my boyfriend possibly has a baby on the way (and it's not mines). Crushed as I was at first, I could not let this consume me. I had to suppress my emotions so that I could be there for him in this really difficult time. Although I know we love each other, I'm wondering about our future, his future, my future. It seems as though each new relationship has its impeding force that test the elasticity of our bond. Everything in me is saying run away but I've done that countless times and I'm tired of running. Yet, I have no clue where his head is at most of the time. So I am just waiting patiently one day at a time, hoping things will get better evenutally.

Love and Me
I recently read this book called "The Mastery of Love: Guide to Relationships" by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you have the chance to read it please do because it really opens your eyes to what love is and looks like. It touched on loving yourself before loving others. So I've been really trying to change my mentality after I read that book. Because after hearing about my bf's baby, I realized how unhealthy my mind was. I was crying uncontrollably at times because I was hurt that even he was going to have a child before me. I want to bear children so bad and although I have put myself on a timeline with school, it does not change the fact that this is the one thing I am jealous towards.  And I have to suck that emotional poison out of me so I can be a happy person truly. First step is admitting to heal and now I've done that here with all of you, my readers, reading. However, in lighter news, I'm healthy again...my test results came back negative and I am overjoyed.

These have been my storms these past few weeks and it feels good to let it out some more. Until next time...