Second Best

" I will not settle, but if I were to settle, it would be you. Second Best. "

And when second best comes back into your life, what do you do? Do you move them to first place? Can your heart mend to love another? And what was the point of waiting for the short amount of time already? I miss my love so much. I think about him every day.  I could not even fully enjoy my vacation because the memories kept popping up in my head every place we went. I thought about him and then at the end of my trip, we were obligated to see each other.  Transferring the dog from one place to another.  Seeing his face, both of us avoiding eye contact, both of us avoiding the painful look in each others’ faces. I just do not know if I want to go down that emotional road again. 

But if I was going to go down that road a second time, I couldn’t see it being with anyone else but second best. Yet there would have to be some serious communication.  We just do not understand each other most of the time. But our friendship is something serious. I have to say there is something there that makes us come back even years after fights.  I need to pray on this. I do not like nor want to be confused. Love should be sure of itself.  I know that I love God.  I know that I love him but I really do not know if I love second best or if it’s an attraction that pops up every time I feel lonely.  Every time I feel like being in someone's arms.  I do not want to be alone. I do not want to be unhappy like my parents.  I do not want people around me not to see me smile.  It seems like everyone wants to be in my life.  They want to take a piece of me with them, yet they do not want to give me a piece of them. They do not want to walk out on that branch and meet we halfway but be on the other end at the other side.  Why should I have to travel on that long branch by myself?

Vacation was very fun but difficult. My mother and I stayed in the same hotel that my love and I spent those days together last year.  We passed the caricature drawing stand. We went to the Seafood Buffet. We went to the World's Largest Gift shop.  All the while, passing all the places that I had wonderful memories in: Paris, The Tram, The Venetian, Monte Carlo, the M&M store, Treasure Island, Circus Circus, The movie theatre, The expensive gas station off the 15, the Del taco on the corner of Silverado Ranch Blvd and Las Vegas Blvd and so much more. I couldn't stop thinking about him, I sounded like a broken record, I could not stop saying his name.

Then the last night in the hotel and second best hits me up. When I get home, second best tells me he wants to be in my life again. He wants things to be as they used to be. I am not sure that I like him let alone will want to love him. He will always be my friend, that's for sure: I do not know why but he keeps popping back into my life like my monthly period. So there is a reason why he fits into the chapters of my life. But I do not want to be thinking it is more than it is or worse, he think that. I know where my heart lies. 

I cannot wait to start working and being busy again. I need to occupy my mind with something else other than memories.  I feel like I am stronger now to defeat temptation though.  But what is the point? My love life is on shut down right now. I need to go to church. Missing a week put me in a difficult head space. But I will be back this week, ready to receive my "food" from the Lord. But remember love is special, and it requires a lot of things but it will never fail. Never ever.